Moms Blog

Hello Nicloe, first off let me say welcome, we are glad you have joined us.  Now as for your guilt I understand completely how you feel. I have been sober for a year now and I still deal with a lot of guilt over my use and what it did to my kids. But you need to understand thgat part of recovery is forgiving yourself for the things you did, you are clean now and have been for two years, you have every right to be proud of yourself. You are now doing to sober life and even though you made some mistakes your not making them now. Guilt is a very powerful thing but forgiving your self is more powerful.  Hang in there Nicloe it will get better and the other ladies here will also tell you how the deal with there guilt. Just keep coming back here and let us know how your doing.

Your New Friend
   Melony

Good morning Nicole and Melony!  
I am so glad that you are here Nicole and as Melony said we are here for you and we all understand EXACTLY what you are going through.  Being in recovery brings numerous feelings and one of the most primary of those has been guilt for me.  I too felt so overwhelmed by what I put my children through and guilt and shame about me and my parenting was at many times, such a spiral that I thought I would never work through it.  The reality is that all of us here have used, put our children through all sorts of hell and have had to deal with this in recovery.
As Melony said, first of all, keep reminding yourself that you are clean and sober and you are living in the solution right now.  You are and were then the best mom you could be Nicole, and just because you are an addict, does not mean that you didn't love and treasure your son and want the very best that life had to offer to him.
I have been clean and sober almost 12 years (will celebrate 12 years on the 22nd of September!) and in my early recovery I was consumed with very deep feelings of guilt and shame by what I put my children through.  Just looking at them or thinking of them would send me into a shame spiral and I worried continually that I had screwed them up for good.  However, I was fortunate to be pushed in the direction of men and women who were and still are in recovery and they shared with me their experiences and their solutions.  I had to get out of the negative frame of thinking I got myself into because my fear was if I didn't, i would end up using again over the feelings.  
I lived then and do now in the solution and continue to work on building a better life for me and my beautiful children.  
Healing is possible Nicole and you and your son are living in the solution today and have been since you got clean and sober.  You are rebuilding your life and you and your son will get through this.
Do you have any sober support where you live?  Do you attend any 12-step meetings or have a group of support from people who are in recovery?  I found that was one of my best tools in my recovery.  They told me that I needed to focus on the here and now and continue to move forward in recovery.  When I stay lost in the guilt and shame over yesterday and all the mistakes I made, I cannot focus on the blessings of my life as it is today.
The hardest thing I think we face as women in recovery is forgiving ourselves for being addicts and what we put ourselves thorugh.  Our children are resilient and they love us unconditionally.  The more you focus on being the good mommy that you are to your son the less you will focus on the mistakes you have made in the past.  The absolute reality Nicole is that you or any of us never would have put our children through these things if we were not addicted and our lives weren't controlled by drugs and alcohol.  In addition, I think it is very important to celebrate our recovery by doing nice things for ourselves and having time away from our children to enjoy just being a woman in recovery.  I hang out with all sober people and the friends I have today in recovery support me, challenge me to do better and cheer my family and I on as we continue to move forward.
You are doing the right thing and you are repairing the damage of your past by staying clean and sober.  I hope you continue to join us here on the message board Nicole.  There are so many beautiful, strong and intelligent women here who all understand what you are talking about and who have all been working hard on our recovery and our lives.  You are not alone and you don't have to feel this way forever.  Just keep moving forward and doing what you have been to stay clean and sober.  Your son is very young and believe me when I say he will have forgotten what happened and his memories will be the ones of you and him and the lives you  have today.  Our barrier is allowing ourselves to let the past go.  Talking about it  helps, getting support helps, and focusing on the wonderful things about recovery helps too.  We are all here and ready to love and support you through this time in your life Nicole. The day will come that you will be able to share your solutions about working through the guilt with a new woman in recovery and you will see how far you have come and how good it feels to be on the other side of those feelings.  I look forward to getting to know you more and hope that we hear from you soon.
Sending you much love and hugs from Iowa.  Your other new friend,  Judy

Judy &Melony
  Your comments and suggestions brought me to tears. I know it's ignorant to think this way but I thought I was the WORST mother God had created. Knowing that there are others out there who know what I have been through helps enormously. I am working on forgiving myself. I know my son has forgiven me he has said so. And he says he sees how much better a mom I am  now then I was back then. I have found spiritual guidance and that is helping alot. If nothing I know God is proud of me.
Thank you for your comments and your advice and love and support. Sending you much appreciation and love from Alaska.

Nicole

I know I just wrote last night, but what I felt this morning is something I wanted to share with you Judy and Melony plus any women out there that may be reading this. Yesterday I found that I wa not alone in my struggle to stay clean, I was overwhelmed by feelings of guilt, guilt like I have never felt before. Living with this guilt caused me many sleepless nights, where I would just lay in bed and cry feeling worthless and like scum. It caused me stomach ulcers, severe anxiety, and IBS. After reading what you wonderful ladies had to say I had the first GOOD night's sleep in two years. I woke up refreshed and anxious to start the day and see what great things were going to come my way. For the first time since I began my recovery I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Until now I was just living one day at a time with only one goal in mind To Stay Clean. Now I feel like I can move past my ONE goal and start living my life again. It is impossible for me to say how grateful I am that two complete strangers have stepped up and were willing to help me through this. I have seen counslers and talked with church officicals. But it was hard for me to take advice from someone who had no idea what I had been through or what I was about to go through staying clean. They only managed to make me feel worse about my addiction not better. I know this sounds a little over dramatic but Judy and Melony you changed my life and I will forever be grateful to you. And If i can ever be able to help someone the way you helped me this addiction will have been worth the battle I have endured. Sending BOTH of you much LOVE and APPRECIATION from Alaska. Nicole

Good morning Nicole and everyone else reading this,
I am so happy for you Nicole and grateful that we were able to help in any way.  The reality for me has always been that I can use the darkest times in my life for good and use my past to help others...which somehow gives the pain some meaning.  I hope that you keep logging on here and become a member Nicole.  You have a lot of experience in your past; not only using but your experiences in your recovery; that you can use to help other women on this message board.  
I know what you mean about hanging on to the pain and the fear in recovery too Nicole and it is such a blessing and a relief when it passes.  When I am in the middle of something painful or confusing it feels like it will never end.......but it always does.  
You are a precious child of God Nicole and you and your family deserve the very best.  I am grateful that you shared your pain with us...sharing a pain cuts it in half and sharing your joy doubles it.  
I hope that you use your gifts Nicole.......your gift of being an active addict and your gift of being a woman in recovery.  I found out early on that being an addict, while extremely painful, has been a gift for me and my children.  We love each other, believe in and support each other, understand true gratitude for the small things in life and use our experiences to help others.  I never thought I would feel that way early on Nicole, when I was trapped in the guilt and shame of what I put myself and my children through, but that is the reality today.  My kids and I have a life that we never thought we would be able to live and we are grateful, each and every day.  Sobriety is a gift and not one I take lightly.  
So, please keep logging on when you can and let us know how it is and one day soon, you will log on and totally relate to a woman here who is struggling with something and you will have something powerful to share with her that worked for you.  I am thrilled that you are here with us and so glad we could help.  
Talk to you soon, hugs from your Iowa friend, Judy

Judy,
  Thanks for all the great adivce. I find myself anxious to get to work and log on just to hear what wonderful words of wisdom you wrote. You will never know how much it means to me to FINALLY have some sort of support group. Here in Alaska Meth is something new to our community and we are just getting around to fighting it. There are no online support groups for Alaskans. Nor are there specific treatment programs or 12 step programs that deal mainly with Meth Addictions. And I believe that Meth is like no other drug, so you cant treat the addict of Meth like you would an addict of cocaine. I know the principals are the same but the drugs are SO different and the withdrawals are different than any other drug. Anyways so I decided to join a group in little ole' Iowa:) Hope you don't mind. Thanks for your support and unrelenting wisdom. Sending you much love and appreciation from Alaska. Nicole

First off Good job Nicole, I know that guilt can eat you alive and the first day after letting it go is a blessing. I just like Judy still have days when the stress gets to much and then I start feeling guilty all over again. But I then remember that I let all of that go. Guilt is just one more emotion that goes along with being sober, and one day you will be able to help some one else and when that happens it helps remove some of the guilt. Thank you for your kind words and please keep coming back and let us know how you are.

Your Friend
Melony

Good morning Nicole and Melony and everyone else!
I love these exchanges and hope to see you on the message board soon too Nicole.  We are joined by the heart there and even though some of us have never met we have formed incredibly strong bonds with each other.  Just jump in there some  day soon, read a post, reply to it, or start your own!  It is a great experience for me and something that I check every day.  THere have been quite a few posts lately and that always makes me happy!!!!  I love hearing from you all and getting to know and make new friends is always a gift!  I can't wait to get to know you better.  Love ya, Judy

Judy and Melony,
     Your right i do feel like we have secured a strong bond with each other. Here in Alaska things are very lonely for me right now. My fiance just left me a week ago, I'm raising my 7 yr. old by myself. My family doesn't live close by and they wouldn't be much help if they were closer. I work too much and have no time for friends so I WAS basically on my on. Doing this drug free is really hard, but i know that doing it NOT drug free will be harder. So I am so glad I have found some beautiful strong women to call my friends even if I have no idea what you look like I love you just the same. I would like to know more about both of you. Could you give me a quick little history, and I don't just mean a drug history I want to know everything, how many kids do you have, what are they're ages, are you married? Where in Iowa do you live.....where the heck IS Iowa???I'm just kidding I can look that last one up on a map. Living here in Alaska is like living in a different Country all together. Most people don't even realize that Alaska IS part of the United States. I have a habit of calling the rest of the United States America. Like "I'm going on vacation to America" or we call it going " Outside" or "The Lower 48" It's getting to be fall up here and in a month or so we are gonna have a bunch of snow. Last winter the snow got to be about 5 ft. deep. If you don't know and incase you did want to know winter up here lasts from October to about April. So I'm getting ready for 6 months of darkness and COLD. Okay I'm done babbling now. Write me and let me know how you are doing and some things about you. I am dying to get to know my new friends. Sending you much appreciation and love from Alaska. Nicole

I think every mom who gets clean has so much guilt! Thats a hard one to deal with too...if you don't have support, it can drive you back to where you were....So...I WASN'T alone...I thought I was the only one who was a bad mom...getting so high I forget to cook for my kids, cuz I never was hungry...never let them go anywhere, never had money so they could do things with friends....The guilt is there for all of us women I think...I don't think I'm alone here....just remember, just being in groups like this, talking about how you feel is the right way to deal with the guilt...we've been there, and are going through the same thing...what better way to deal with it....                                      
                                                                   HUGS,
                                                                         Michelle

Hey ladies!

I just went through some old posts on the message board and found our introductions to new members from February of this year from some of us.  I hope you all log on to the message board and add your story to it so we can all get to know one another.  The one we have now has my story, Jen, Kris, Kim and I can't remember now who.  But it would be FANTASTIC.....if everyone would add their story to this so when we have more new members who want to know us, we can send out this post and have them add their info to it too!  Great way to keep a history of who we all are and where we all come from!  There are members of the message board who are in recovery, trying to get in recovery, never been an addict or an alcoholic, etc.  The theme is the same for us all though.  We hear each other's hearts, support each other and cheer each other on.  We have much more in common than we do have different!  
Just click on a post  at the side of the front page Nicole and join the discussions, read the stories and continue to build friendships!  Can't wait!  Judy

Just wanted to let you all know that I finally decided to let me sister help me through all of this and I filled her in on what Meth is and what it did to my life and how I am trying to stay clean and how I need all the support I can get. I also told her about this web sight. Hopefully she will come and visit it and see how life IS possible after being addicted to Meth. Candice, if you are reading this I just wanted to say thanks for being there for me and the information you will find on this sight will help you to understand a little better. The women here are so nice and helpful, they have gotten me through a very rough time in my life. Join if you would like to post your comments, feelings or suggestions as a sibling of someone who was addicted to Meth. This isn't just for those of us that have used, it is for ALL the people that Meth has affected in one way or another.I love you ALL to death and without you I would still be laying in bed at night crying myself to sleep over the guilt.Sending you all much appreciation and LOVE from Alaska. Nicole

Wow, what inspiring exchanges we have all been having here.  I am excited about adding more new friends to my life so thank you Michelle and Nicole for joining me and all of us here.  Melony is already someone I consider a close and loving friend and she is Georgia!!!!!  So, we have women here now from all over Iowa, Minnesota, Georgia and Alaska.  There have been other members that we haven't heard from for a while that are in Missouri and Idaho too.  I know there are new groups now in Lincoln and Omaha Nebraska and I hope they someday join the message board too!  What an incredible link we all have with each other.  What used to be our darkest, deepest lives have turned into a gift we can share with each other.  I am excited about hearing more about each of you....about life in Alaska, Georgia, up by Des Moines, Iowa, Minnesota, you name it, we have some exciting exchanges ahead of us..I can feel it!!!!!!  
Winter is just around the corner here and I really am not looking forward to it......hate being cold, can't stand clearing off the car and heating it up, shoveling snow (ok, rarely do that!), and all that jazz.  But, change is coming and I can either accept it and deal with it or whine a lot to you all!  
Do you have snow in Georgia Melony??????  I know Minnesota and Alaska get a ton of snow and so should feel better that I am not getting it as bad as you all do!  Six months of dark........YUCK.......what do you do for fun and to keep your spirit light during that time Nicole????  I can't wait to hear more!  
I have a lot of fun plans for the weekend and am going to be busy but will be checking in over the weekend too.  
Nicole, have you figured out how to join the other part of the message board where all the other posts are??????  Just look to the side of the front page where all the other messages with your's are and at the right you will see a section of posts.....some labled, check out the front page, sharing our stories, etc.  Click on one and you will be able to maneuver your way into learning how to post and answer the posts that are there!   It will be fun and you will have even more new friends there to support you and get to know!!!!!!!!!  Love and hugs from Iowa to you all, Judy

Well Judy here in Alaska we get used to it being Dark 6 months outta the year. I mean I have lived in Alaska for 15 years of my life and so that means that 7 1/2 years of my life have been in total darkness. You just cope with it the best you can, the darkness isn't the hardest part of being here it's when the summer come we call it break up. And then daylight savings time rolls around and we're hit with a massive amount of sunshine and it kind of send me into a sort of shock. There is alot of people up here that suffer from S.A.D Seasonal Affective Disorder just because of the enormous changes in the weather. Tanning helps alot getting that Seratonan plus we pharmacy's up here carry things called light boxes which are special light bulbs you can place in your home and it creates the illusion of sun light with all the real benefits. It really does make you feel better. No I haven't posted anywhere but on this, I am still working on manuvering my way around the sight. I will look into it though. One thing I would like to know very much from all of you....what does a gallon of milk cost down there in America??? We pay 6.49 a gallon. I know it sounds like a weird question but I haven't been to the lower 48 in so long I feel like i am in another time zone.

Nicole

Good morning Nicole and everyone else!
I love all your information about Alaska!  A gallon of milk costs about 3 dollars here in Iowa.  Your post made me grateful for what we have today!  How much is a gallon of gas and how much is ciggs there?  We just had a new law pass here in Iowa that raised ciggs up a dollar a freaking pack and I am still irritated about it!  The cost of living everywhere is rising and that is hard for those who live on a fixed income.  I feel fortunate I have a good paying job and the reality is that there is never enough money now even though I make fairly good money.  I remember living on welfare and getting paid once a month and today I don't have a clue how i did it!  I do know that I was still gratfeful for my life and what i did have then and in some ways I was happier then too.  I think money for me, has been a learning experience and one that I have had to adjust to in my life.  I found out that having more money enabled me to live beyond my means for a long time and I recently had to make some major changes in my thinking about money too.
This morning it is cold out and I am thinking it won't be long before I have to turn the heat back on here and the high bills for gas will soon be piling on.
Do you have AA or NA meetings there Nicole? If so, have you ever attended any meetings?  I love the program and love attending different meetings when I travel.  Just wondered.  
Ok, is it true there are lots more available men in Alaska?????  If so, I am leaving today to come see you!!!!!!!!  :)
I have a busy day planned today and better get around and start getting cleaned up here.  I hope you are all having a great day.  Love from here in Iowa.  Judy

Good Morning everyone, well lets ee Judy wants to know what it's like to live in Georgia. Well that depends on what part of the state you live in North, Middle or South, because the weather is very different in all three. The one thing that all three parts have in common is when it's HOT it's HOT. I have lived in all three parts in South Ga at Christmas you can where short sleeve shirts and jeans and be fine , winter isn't real bad down there , not to say it can't be, just most of the time it's not. Now Middle Ga that would be Atlanta and such winter stil isn't bad a long sleeve shirt and jeans could be fine if it's not windy, but if it's windy it kind of sucks. Now North Ga can be strange it doesn't start to get cold up here untill Jan or Feb,  But we still have been know to have 80 degree temps in Jan and Feb. But mind you I said it can be strange my first year in North Ga is snowed on day a week all winter, OK ok I know that doesn't seem like a big deal to ya'll but to those who hardley see snow it SUCKED. Our schools close , bussiness close ,every thing closes. But ya'll have to remember that cold to me is anything below 70.  But let me tell you that the town I live sucks there is nothing to do for the adults or kids, all we have up here are Apple orchards , chicken houses and mountains. If the kids want to do someting the have to be involved with something in school because other than that there is nothing for them to do but get in trouble. Now the cost of living is not good, to rent a house it's any where from 600 a month to 2,000 a month. Just depends on where you want to live, and how big of a house you need. To rent a mobile home it's about 175.00 a week and thats for a 2 bedroom. Our phone cable and internet is all owned by one company so they can charge what ever they want, same way with our power. Heating you either use propan , wood or space heaters. Milk here is any where from 2.89 to 4.75 a gallon, gas is 2.61 to 3.00 for regular and ciggs are depending on the brand and where you buy them 2.50for cheap and up to 5.00 dollars for name brand like Newports( which I smoke and Cmaels which my husband smokes) . Most jobs only pay minium wage and most you have to be able to speak spanish , since we have a very large latino population, there are only a handful of black people up here.  So for me to have lived most of my life ok all but 5 years in Atlanta it was culture shock moving up here. Oh and most of the lations up here are illegals. Well since I have now wrote a book I guess I'll say Bye.

Melony

Well as I was reading everything you wrote Melony I was shocked. Cigerettes up here are like 7.50 for a pack of Marlbouro, I think the cheapest you can get is like 5.35 our gas prices are pretty much the same as yours. In the winter in the city where I live it can get as cold as 25 below zero in the summer it reaches about 80-85. The cost of living is really high and I rent an apartment and I pay 695 a month for a two bedroom so your prices for renting a house are amazing to me. Our minimum wage is 7.25 though and I think that's high compared to the rest of the US. Anyways I have to get ready another long work week ahead of me

Hey everyone,
These conversations are so fascinating!!!!!!  WOW, I guess we have a lot to be grateful for here in Iowa.  Gas is about 2.67 a gallon right now and ciggs are probably 5 dollars a pack for name brand and 3.60 for off brand smokes.  The weather is always variable in the winter here.  Sometimes we have really milder winters but the last few have been bitterly cold.  The summers here are REALLY humid and our temps have been mid 90's.  As for rent on houses, we vary here.  I think the median range on houses would be about 500 dollars a month.  Housing costs to buy are fairly cheaper here and costs around 50,000 for a 3 bedroom or so.  Our minimum wage is 6.25 I think........cost of living in a smaller community like mine is pretty fair, I don't always like the prices of things here but do feel like we are fortunate as it is a smaller farming community all around us.  The population here is around 25,000 people and I like it that way. The towns all around us are very small and we are close to the Missouri border by about 1/2 hour drive.  Lots of beautiful scenery here and lots of farm land.  It is almost fall and my favorite time of the year.  Went on a hayride and to a hog roast this weekend and that was really nice.  My son, his wife, granddaughter, niece, her boyfriend, great-niece and I all went to this together and I had a good time.  Lots of friends in recovery were there too so that made it even better.  We ended up going on an hour hayride, had a great meal and a huge bonfire and then got rained out.  All is well in my world today.  I am at work but get off early today for some personal appointments.  The rest of the week I am out a lot so that makes the time fly by!  Take care.  Love, Judy

WOW Houses are cheap where you are at. Last year I went house hunting with a friend of mine and we couldn't find a single 3 bedroom house for less than 250,000. You'd be lucky to find a trailor for 50 grand. I'm moving move over Judy I'm coming to IOWA. As for your question about the men....well I'm single and lookin and so there doesn't seem to be many more men up here. But then again I have nothing to compare it with since I haven't been outside in years and years. There are the available slope men, by that I mean the men that work on the North Slope, I don't know if you know what that means.Google the North Slope and see what it says. But the slope men even though they are rich are NOT good lookin, Oh I'm sure some of them are but the majority of them are bachelors for life and it shows.But if your wanting a sugar daddy with commitment issues there are TONS of those layin around up here. I hear all the really HOT guys are in Colorado. I dunno but during Tourist season up here my sister and I hunt down the dudes driving with Colorado License Plates and we are never disappointed.:) You should come up and check out the men folk up here. And if you don't find one you could always just check out the beautiful scenery I can guarentee that you will never see a more beautiful place on this earth. I have to get back to work...From Alaska, Nicole

Hey guys,
    I was up last night talking to my best friend and she started remembering things about when I was using, and it didn't make me crave it like it used to. But she started talking about all the stupid stuff I did and how I acted and just basically reminded me of what a horrible person and mother I was back then. I went to bed feeling like CRAP. But in the same breath she told me how proud she was of me and what a great mom I am now. But that doesn't make me feel much better. See my family and the people I grew up around in my home town which is about an hour away from where I am living now, they all still see me as the drug addicted screw up, even though for the 1st 18 years of my life I was a good Christian girl who never did ANYTHING wrong and I was only addicted to drugs for a few short years of my life. And then I got clean and stayed that way. No one seems to want to let my reputation go. They all think I am un-trustworthy. There are people who still won't allow me to come into their homes or be around their children. How do I make them understand that I am a GOOD person? Doesn't my reputation of being a good girl for the majority of my life count for anything anymore. How do I live this down? What do I do. I'm half tempted to send out a memo to all these families to tell them to quit talkin shit about me behind my back.....help what do I do?

Lost and Confused in Alaska,

Nicole

Hey Nicole,
I'm glad you shared what is going on.  I think it is very hard for friends, family and our communities to have hope sometimes that we have changed.  However, WE know you have changed and we support you Nicole.  These things will pass for you and one day your community will see you as a RESOURCE instead of a liability.  There will be a day when you too can see your past as your greatest asset and not hang your head about it.  I don't really think there is such a thing for  me as 'living down' my past.  What I have done and continue to strive to do is to use my past as a teaching tool in my personal and professional life.  I have made a lot of changes and have been clean for a long time but it took some time for other people (including my family and kids) to let go of their fear that I would relapse and go back to the life I had before.  I think that comes from a long time of living in fear for us.  So, please remember to be gentle to yourself and your family and community.  One of the best things I was told is, "What other people think of me is none of my business" and that was comforting.  It really doesn't matter what other people think of me as long as I think well of me Nicole.  If I want to have self esteem I do esteemable things.  I went to school, got a job, attended lots of meetings, began doing things in my recovery that helped build my self-esteem and also hung out with people who supported me and helped build me up, not tear me down.  You don't have to hang your head in shame anymore Nicole, it is a self-defeating behavior and you don't deserve to do that to yourself.  As for your family or community talking about you........dont' listen and don't buy into it!  THink of the positives you have in your life.....what are you grateful for?  how much has your life changed since you got clean and sober?  what good things are happening in your life?  When I focus on the positives in my life, I feel comforted and excited about it, when I focus on the negatives and things I cannot control, I feel afraid.  The great reality is that there is NOTHING you can do to change other people's opinion of you or keep them from talking about you.......but there is a LOT you can do about what you do with that sort of information.  You can let it go, stay active in your recovery and let go of what other's think of you.  Eventually, you and your past will be old news and they will move on to someone else.....sad but true.  However, there are plenty of people in this world who seem to thrive on pain of another person and if they think they can cause you pain or get a reaction from you; they will probably continue what they are doing.  But, if you keep your head up, let go of their opinion of you and remember who you are and why you are staying clean and sober, they will leave you alone.  You got clean and sober because you wanted a better life for you and your son RIGHT??????  Ok, so, keep doing it for you and for your son.......and because it makes you feel good.  No one ever told me that getting and staying clean and sober would ever be easy but they always told me it would be worth it......and they were right.  Recovery isn't for the faint of heart or sissies Nicole, and you are going to face challenges....the best thing you can do for yourself and your recovery is to work on changing your perception about these challenges.  Life gives us a lot of bumps in the road for those in recovery and those who never used too.  Be gentle with yourself and love the woman you were in the past and the woman you are becoming.  Keep logging on here Nicole, because we love and support you and are here for you.  Listen to the positives in your life and focus on the good things.  Whenever I get stuck in problems they increase.....when I remind myself of the good things and focus on solutions, they decrease in power.  It is all about perspective.  There will come a day when you will see how this experience can help another person in your life.  So, take care of yourself, do something that makes you feel good today and don't hang your head or try and change anyone but yourself today!  YOU DESERVE THE BEST!!!!!  Love and hugs, Judy

Thank you Judy,
    you always make me feel so much better about the whole situation. I know I shouldn't take it to heart when other people say awful things about me. I know that what they are saying isn't true. I HAVE Changed and  now I am productive member of my society. I know all these things, and what people think about me IS none of my business but when I hear it from some of my friends it hurts really bad ecspecially when it begins with "Did you hear what your Dad was saying about you.He said that I shouldn't be hanging around with someone like you."I mean it HURTS SO BAD. I have strived my whole life to make my father proud of me and when I didn't succeed I quit trying and just started screwing up my life. Then I got my shit in one sock and even though I have gone from being a drug addicted homeless single mom to working in a HUGE corporation full time, with my own apartment my kid is in school and doing well. We're healthy and happy and for the first time in my life I don't wake up breaking the law. It doesn't matter to him or to anyone but you guys on here. It's like the rest of the people in my life are blind to my accomplishments and it's hard to pat yourself on the back. It just feels better coming from someone that loves you and from someone you want to make proud. I know all of this sounds dumb and I appreciate all the support and words of encouragment you give me I just wish you could tell my dad what a great job I was doing then maybe he would say he is proud of me.
    I guess you really have to have been there yourself before you can realize what a HUGE deal it is to get and stay clean. He doesn't know how addicting Meth is or how it basically runs your life after a point and quitting Meth is like saying "okay stop breathing now." It was hard and he doesn't understand just how hard it was for me to get to the point I am at now. Another thing  that kills me to think about is. My mom died while I was addicted to Meth. She never got to see me get clean, she would have told me how proud she was of me, even though she never touched a drug in her life. I just wish she could have seen how I turned out. I'm gonna quit bitching now. These last few days have been very hard for me. I don't know if I told any of you this. But the reason I found this web site is because I had just broken up with my fiance and he was my main reason for staying clean he told me if I ever starting using again he would leave me. I know it was the wrong reason to stay clean but any reason to keep you clean is a good one right? So we were together for  a year and a half of the 2 years I've been clean and I was scared that after I left him I was gonna start up again. So before I left him I found a support group, you guys, so I would be sure to stay clean. I don't know if there are Meth Support groups in this town but even if there are it's a small town and people talk and I don't need my co-workers finding out that they're working with an ex-druggie know what i mean. I don't know I just wanted to vent sorry if I bored the crap outta you. Sending you much love and appreciation from Alaska. Nicole

Hey Nicole,
First of all I have to say that I am always wary of people who come to me to tell me what other people are saying about me.......I guess I just wouldn't trust that person or their motives.  I can't imagine the women I hang out with ever coming up to me to intentionally hurt my feelings by telling me things that other people are saying.  I had to learn what exactly I wanted in a friend and then also what kind of friend i wanted to be when I got sober.  So, first off.....examine your friend's motives......why did she feel it was important to tell you what your dad told her????  I guess that would make me wonder what her motives are?  Maybe she is a great friend to you.....I don't know...but that really struck me first.  
As for your mom, I am so sorry for your loss.  Moms tend to love us no matter what the heck we do or put them through and so I bet she would be proud of you and tell you on a daily basis.  One thing I had to realize Nicole, is that my family is not going to be or do what I want or expect them to do or be.  Don't get me wrong, I too love my family, but I have spent many wasted hours 'wishing' they were different, wishing they supported me or were proud of me and wishing a lot of wishes!  The truth is that they (my family) did the best they could and they did a good job.  I don't always get what I need from them or want from them in the way of encouragement or support but I do get love and they have always cheered me on...I sometimes think as an alcoholic/addict, I find that I cry for the moon too.  I am not saying you are Nicole, just sharing my experiences.  So, your dad may never be able to tell you he is proud of you and then again, maybe he will.  Maybe you could work on being a great daughter and teaching him through your actions what you respect and love about him?  Just an idea.  
As for your boyfriend, I am so glad that you are still clean and sober and that you joined us Nicole!!!!!!  You may have started in your recovery doing it so he wouldn't leave you but from the sounds of things, you have made your recovery a way of life now and it sure sounds like you are doing it for you because you deserve it and because you want a better life for your son.  YOU ARE A SUCCESS!!! We will cheer you on from here in Iowa Nicole.  We are proud of you and know what an incredibly hard thing getting clean is and how much determination and hard work you had to do and will still have to do to stay that way.  We can't make up for your Dad not saying he's proud of you but we can sure lift you up and support you till the day you feel he is!  Take care of you, let go of the negative stuff and concentrate on what is so wonderful about being clean and sober!  Ok, going home for the day now!!!!!!!  Big love, Judy

My sister and I are fighting again. She is my oldest younger sister and she seems to have these months where she is all happy and chatty. Then she turns into this psycho freak of a woman that has nothing nice to say about anyone. She complains about her life being so hard, and yet she lives at home with our father rent free, pays no bills to speak of and then tells me that my life isn't as hard as I make it out to be. I am so frusterated with her I wanna scream at her and let her know that despite the loving home she was raised in my experience in that same house was not as pleasant. She didn't see what went on behind those closed doors. And even if i told her she would call me a liar to my face. When I told her over the phone that it was no secret that she has always been mom and dad's favorite child she hung up on me. I wasn't mad at her I wasn't yelling I was simply stating a fact. What do I do? Everyone tells me I should just not talk to her until her attitude is in check but she is my little sister and we just started to develop a relationship after all these years. Her mood swings aren't just getting to me it's everyone I talk to my dad my brother her friends. I don't just wanna give up on my little sister i know this has nothing to do with Meth or drug use. But I am at a loss and I know you woman give such awesome advice can anyone out there help me salvage my relationship with my sister?

Nicole

Hey Nicole,
I wish there were some easy answers for you that would make everything better right now but the truth is that relationships are hard and they take work. It is strange how many of us can grow up in the same house and all of us see and remember things differently.  I have had many strained times with certain family members and what I realized is that sometimes it is just really important to take a break from them and give them a break from me too.  I love my family but we are different people and have different beliefs about life and how we live it.  It doens't mean that I am right and they are wrong or vice versa.  When i was using my family relationships were so dysfunctional and we argued and fought like we were still little kids.  What I found out in recovery is that all I can do is change my actions, my re-actions and also to make sure I am treated with dignity and respect and that I treat them the same way.  Once I changed I think I saw that the way I reacted in the past really played a big part in my dysfunctional family!  :)  
You can't change your sister or her beliefs and you and she may never agree on your childhood stuff.  It could be a good idea to just let things settle where they are for a little while and see what happens.  If she is feeling negative and not feeling well, then she is surely reacting to her emotions and there isn't much you can do about that.  Since you got clean and sober you have changed and that (while being a good thing) is also hard for our family.  We change and it disrupts familiy roles too.  While I know for a fact my family and my children were VERY happy that I got clean and sober, it was also a very strange transition for us all too.  We really had to build new relationships and that took time and it is still evolving. sometimes we can help those we love the best by not helping and just being there to support them when they ask.  I try to make amends when I hurt my family or react to something and I quit trying to expect things from them that they didn't have and were unrealistic too.  I keep working on me, accepting other people for who they are and not who I wish they were and things just seem to work out.  You can always be there emotionally for your sister but I have learned that we don't have to lay down and be a doormat either.  So, I guess it all boils down to, be who you are and who you are proud of being and give your sister time to adjust to these changes.  The truth is that she will most likely come around in time Nicole.  We all react to life situations differently and maybe by opening the door to your pain from the past, you inadvertantly challeneged her beliefs about her own past too.  You never know what other people are feeling until they are ready to share this and it takes time.  Trust the process Nicole and be the best Nicole you can be.....the rest of this will fall into place a little at a time.  Be kind to yourself and if you said things that you feel were wrong, clean up your side of the street by apologizing and let her decide what action to take from there.  If you said nothing wrong, then I guess if it were me, i would just give it time.  Lots of rambling and just suggestions kiddo.  Let us know how you are throughout this process!  Sending lots of love from Iowa!  Judy

Thanks Judy, that is why I posted that problem cause I knew you would be willing and able to help me. So this morning I called my little sister and she hung up on me. I called back knowing she wouldn't answer just so I could leave her a message. I told her I was sorry if I upset her and that it wasn't my intention to do so. I let her know that I don't want to fight with her and that I cherish the relationship we have developed. And I left it at that. So far she hasn't called me back, but I will be patient and see what happens. If she doesn't want to kiss and make up I know that I did my part to salvage our relationship and the rest is up to her. Thanks so much for your advice. I know this sounds all cheesy but my mom past away 2 1/2 years ago and I haven't had anyone to turn to that was like a mother figure to me. I know your not old enough to be my mother but still, thanks for being there for me and giving very good motherly advice.Sending you MUCH love and appreciation from Alaska. Nicole

Nicole,
I'm proud of you and am honored that you are a part of my life.  You did the right thing by your sister and for yourself.  She is probably going through her own growing pains right now and when she is ready I have no doubt that she will reach out to you.  The truth is that you are modeling healthy coping and communication skills to her and you are showing her through your actions in your recovery how to be a woman with dignity and integrity.  Telling others that we are wrong is not easy but is so important for our growth.  I have had to tell my kids, my family and my friends, over and again in my recovery; that I was wrong, that I wanted to make things right and have always tried to show them by my actions that I am changing.  It is a journey, not a destination.  I have had to grow and change and still have a lot of changing to do but it has been worth every minute of it.  
I want other people to see that recovery is not only possible for me, but also for everyone around me.......including my family.  Being raised in an alcoholic or addicted home puts everyone out of kilter and it takes time for everyone to heal.  We all find healing in our own way and it isn't usually an easy process....at least that has been my experience.  When I got sober in 1995, I had a lot of work to do to repair the damages I did to my children's lives, my family relationships and to those in my community.  However, through reaching out for support, asking for guidance and being willing to admit I don't have the answers, I have been able to repair a lot of my relationships.  Don't get me wrong, I still have family problems, I still make mistakes and have to make amends for them; but things are better and will continue to get better as long as I keep the focus on me, what I need to do to change and to remember to allow everyone else the dignity to be where they are and not try and force them to change just because I think they need to.  You are on the path and it is obvious to me that you are willing to do the work Nicole.  You don't have to do this alone and I am thrilled to be able to be here for you.  
As for not being old enough to be your mom.......you'd be surprised!  :)  I have a son that is 26 years old, he is married to a beautiful girl that I love, they have 2 beautiful energetic little children (girl-5 years old and a boy who will be a year old this coming month)........then I have a 17 year old girl and a 16 year old girl.  I have plenty of room in my heart for you and everyone else here too Nicole.  I love you already and am proud of the woman you are now and the woman you are becoming.  Have a great day, Love and hugs, Judy

Judy,
 This morning I was running late for work, and my son went to go take the blankets off the bird cage and knocked the whole thing over there was water and corn cob bedding and it's food all over the floor. And I got SO mad, I yelled and yelled at him and I made him cry. After I had time to cool off I felt so bad. I still feel really bad. Instead of starting his day with a smile he went out the door crying cause he thought he killed our bird and cause I screamed at him till I was blue in the face. I know it was an accident, I know he didn't mean to do anything but help me. I've apologized to him but I seem to be doing that ALOT lately. I spout off at the mouth without thinking about how bad it's going to hurt my little boys feelings. Do any of you have this problem or am like a case in a million cause right now I feel like a REALLY BAD MOM.

Nicole

Hey Nicole,
Of course every parent makes mistakes and feels guilt over our choices in behaviors.  I guess the first thing I would ask you since you said you are doing this alot lately is:  What are you doing to take care of yourself, enjoy your life and recovery and let go a little bit?????  I know when I get overwhelmed, angry and frustrated the first thing I need to take a look at is what am i Not doing to take care of my own emotional needs, how i am going to change that and then what I need to do to make amends for my behaviors with my loved ones.  No matter how young he is, he understands sincere regret and I am sure he would feel better if you just spend a little special time with him, let him know that your anger was NOT his fault and keep working on taking care of yourself and your needs.  We, as parents, too often put our emotional needs on the back burner when we get into recovery because we want to work hard at putting right all our wrongs.  however, the reality is that if we don't do nice things just for ourselves, then pretty soon, we are all resentful, stressed out and no fun to be around.  Think of what you would tell a loved one or a family member if they came to you with this issue?  The quicker I address when I am wrong with my kids the longer it is between times that I shout and throw a fit.  I have learned through many, many mistakes, to contain my hurtful attitude and little by little I have gotten better at not yelling and throwing a fit.  I truly think it helped when I immediately would tell my kids that I was not only sorry but that I was WRONG and they didn't deserve to be talked to that way.  I know our children learn what they live and I just want them to have better skills than I did when I was young and so I have had to model those skills.  It is and will always be a learning process though adn I sure didnt' get better overnight.  However, it did happen and I can tell you with all honesty that my kids and I have been through utter hell together but we have an incredbile relationship and we are a very close, loving family.  It will happen for you Nicole and the reality is that you are already doing the work. Take care of you, clean up your side of the street, and do things to have fun with your little one.  Time passes so freaking quick it is unreal!  Sending you lots of love and hope!!!!!!  Judy

Judy,
 As always excellent advice. I appreciate you taking the time to help me with my problems from day to day. You seem like you are a well of excellent knowledge. This morning I did pull him aside and apologized and told him that I shouldn't have yelled at him and that I knew what he did was an accident. I also assured him the bird was okay. Then when I got to work I made him an I'm Sorry Card. I dunno he is a really forgiving little boy and I am  SOOO grateful for that. Sending you MUCH thanks and humble gratitude from Alaska. Nicole

Hey beautiful Nicole,
As always it cheers my spirit to log on and see you were here!  First and foremost I want to remind you that you are doing the work and that you already knew what you needed to do so please give yourself the credit, not me.  What I truly believe with all my heart is that each of us have our answers deep down inside of us, underneath the guilt, the shame and regret and the pain and frustration.  However, after years and years of substance abuse and other life issues, I learned NOT to trust myself anymore and even when I felt deep down inside that I had the answer..I just was too afraid to trust myself.  It takes time in recovery and still takes lots of support but I never want anyone to give me credit for the work they are doing and have been doing.  I LOVE sharing my life and my solutions with you so don't get me wrong, I am immensely grateful that I had incredible people in my path who shared thiers with me and I can pass these on.  But all the same I just wanted to take a minute to say, HEY NICOLE!!!!!!! GREAT JOB!!!!!!  You are an incredible mom and making mistakes is part of the journey of parenting.  I don't know of one soul who has kids who doesn't make mistakes and feel remorse about them....and this includes people who have never used.  I would be really scared if I heard someone ever say that they had no regrets over the choices they have made as a parent and would be afraid that they might not be able to see the truth.  I know and can accept that I am human and am living life, making mistakes, having victories, learning lessons and bound to learn more!  I heard at a meeting I went to once that we are spiritual beings living the human experience I and LOVED it and relate to it too.  
I'm glad you are sharing your life here with me and everyone else Nicole.  I already love you and haven't ever met you.  Sending you Big IOWA HUGS!!!!!!!!  Judy

Judy,
  Well today was the big day DIVIDENDS!!! Wahoo I woke up today 2 thousand bucks richer. It was an awesome feeling actually having money in my bank account let alone that much money. Of course after paying all the bills I had I'm just about broke but it feels good payin my own bills you know? Anyways, my ex knew that I was getting my dividend today and he called me and was beggin for some money. And when I told him no he harrassed me all night. He's called me at least two dozen times. He's an alcoholic and when we got together he told me and I said I was okay with it. I think I was desperate. Anyways, I realize now that I was his ticket out of the slum he was living in. Finally after a year and half of him mooching off of me I kicked him to the curb. I thought it was going to be hard. And it was until I started getting daily advice from this great lady I met in Iowa....I forget her name:) And all of a sudden I feel like I have just grown. I don't know how else to put it but I have lifted my head and actually look people in the eye with confidence knowing that I am just as good a person as they are and I no longer have anything to be ashamed of. It feels good to finally see myself as an equal to the rest of the human race and not a second class citizen. And I stopped letting people walk all over me including my ex. I put my foot down and DEMANDED to be treated decently. I don't know for the first time in a long time I have a shred of self-esteem , and I know I have a long ways to go but I have started the journey, the destination is yet to be determined.Thanks again as much as I give myself credit I also have to thank the person that woke me up...so THANKS. I love you too. Sending you Judy and all the other woman on this site LOVE and MUCH Appreciation from Alaska. Nicole

Judy,
 I woke up this morning thinkin I had 500 bucks still in my checking account. But when I checked the balance it said negative 99 dollars. A collection agency that I have been working with over a previous debt levied my bank account. Even after I set up payment arrangments with the promise from them they would NOT levy my bank account. But they did it anyways because the guy I made these payment arrangments with got fired cause he was sloppy and he never had a record of this agreement. So I lost every penny I had in my account. Today started out to be an AWFUL day, but then my dad stood up and gave me 200 and I scrapped up the last of my money and finally got my insurance and was able to get my drivers license back. Grand Total was a whopping 390.00. But it was SOOO worth it. Anyways, I just wanted to vent to someone that would listen intentivley. Thanks for being my sounding board. Having an AWFULLY GREAT DAY in Alaska. Nicole

Girl, you are growing and changing like a a beautiful flower!!!!!!  WOW, I love reading your posts and watching you process what is going on and how you are walking through situations that while at times are baffling, you are searching for solutions that work!!!!  Way to take your life back Nicole.  You are setting and reaching goals and growing and changing and moving forward and that is so exciting to watch!!!!!!  Thanks so much for sharing your process with us.  Have a fantastic day!!!!!!  Love ya, Judy

Judy and All,
    Well I fought with the collections agency and got my money back. It was not only excessive (they took over 2000 from me in the last two months) but it was also illegal. So I got my money back they called me today and it will be placed back into my bank account on Monday. So everything is going wonderful. Thanks for being there for me. How have you been what's new in your life. You know tons about me but I hardly know a thing about you. Fill me in. Being COLD and HAPPY in Alaska.

Nicole

Judy & Nicole,
I just spent the whole evening reading your post and I felt a whole lot of emotions first I started out crying then smiling then a feeling of wanting to know more.
You both coverd a lot of ground in such a short time and to watch Nicole grow and get stronger with every moment she shares with us on the board. You should be proud of yourself and for kicking him to the curb, that was great "you go girl".
Now I know where Judy's been hiding and why, I don't know where she finds the time to help all of us each and everyday and she is wonderful.
Hope to hear more soon.
Kim

Hey Nicole, Kim and whoever else is reading this!  I just got home from hanging out with some friends in recovery and I am wide awake at midnight and wanted to see how everyone is doing!  I love logging on and seeing action here and hearing more and more about you all and sharing my life with you.  First off, WAY TO GO NICOLE!!!!!  There are lots of agencies out there who feel they have a right to screw people over because they have or think they have more power.  It takes action and facing these indignities and I am proud of you for standing up to them Nicole.  In my opinion that is what being an activist in our own lives is all about.  It has been a journey for me from feeling like that horrible, awful drunk and junkie with ABSOLUTELY no power, to walking through fears, standing up for myself, believing I deserved better and then getting out there and making it happen.  The end result is strong women with dignity who don't have to hang our heads and allow life to eat us up anymore.  It's about doing the small things that lead up to the big things, facing challenges and walking through fear.  I know that I could never have done it alone and I had so many incredible teachers who gave me their solutions with love and with the knowledge that all they wanted from me was to give back what I have been given and to do so with love.  I am honored to repay them their love by sharing my life and solutions and my barriers with you all.  The truth is that you all help me, I help you and then we get the gift of passing on what we learn to people in our communities, homes, families, jobs, anywhere we can.  I took so much from my family, my life, my community and everyone who crossed my path and so being able to give in some small way back, is my way of making things right.  I am not done, there is a lot of work for us all to do.  I think carrying the message of hope and doing so with love and honesty is vital to making a difference.  I had cheerleaders who never lied to me to make me feel better.  They told me the truth because they knew in their hearts and from their own leaders and teachers that I couldn't get better without loving me enough to tell me the truth.  
Some truths they told me that were truly scary and painful when I got clean and sober was that I needed to be self-supporting and I had to be responsible for every area of my life.  But they softened the blow of that truth with love and their promise that I didn't have to do anything alone.  That gave me hope and also gave me dignity.  There is a whole lot of dignity in doing the right thing, not hiding from problems and from paying my own way.  It was a long journey and I had a lot of help and still need it today.  
Life is good, incredibly busy and I am happy most of the time.  I just had some changes in my job this last week and while I was at first pissed off at the changes I had to admit and accept one more time that all I have to do is accept that I don't always know what is best for me and that I only have to do this deal one day and sometimes one moment at a time.  
the end result is that I have been REALLY busy at work and not much time to sit and obsess on me and my life!  :)  So busy is still really good for me and I am grateful today for the changes and for the lessons that I keep having put in my path.  
My grandkids and my children are all doing great for the most part.  Work is good, recovery is better every day and I am truly grateful.  I am especially grateful for all of you who help me in more ways than you will ever know.  I collect people I guess and making friends and learning new experiences are what makes me tick!  I am looking forward to what you all have to share next and will keep sharing my life with you all.  THanks for being here.  Love, Judy

Hello Everyone,
 First of ALL HI KIM. Nice to meet another woman of wisdom. Okay here's the lastest in Alaska, last night we had our first snow fall.....YUCK. I am not looking forward to another 6 months of snow and ice. Everything on my end is great, I volunteered at the library today to finish up my community service when I'm done with that I will have totally cleaned up the damage from my past. I only have like 16 hours left out of 80. I got two new parakeets today. So now I have 4 parakeets, one cockatiel, two red eared sliders, and one mississippi toad. Everyone now and a partridge in a pear tree....very good. Anyways I am a little hyped up tonight,I just got done with a 100 mile road trip and I'm amped on caffeine. Anyways that was just a little update on what happened to me. Everything is turning out very nicely. Kim let us know about you, what your up to and how life is treating you. Sending you all MUCH love, peace and HAPPINESS from Alaska. Nicole

Hey Nicole!

Love your bird theme!  As for the weather.......well, yesterday and the last weekend it was hotter than I can remember for this time of the year.  I think this last weekend it was almost 90 degrees a few times and while I whined a little, I was also glad that we are not YET getting the cold and snow.  Nicole you and Kim have a lot more in common with the extreme weather of Alaska and Minnesota.  I always thought we had it bad in Iowa till I talked to Kim during the last winter......and now I have you to remember too......guess I will remind myself that at least I am not in Alaska or Minnesota when I am complaining!  
All's well here, it is early and I am trying to motivate myself to get ready for work.  Went to a great planning meeting for a national Moms off Meth conference that is going to happen next year (late April or mid-May) and I talked about the women I know from the message board who live in Georgia, Alaska, and Minnesota and encouraged everyone to join the message board and get to know you all!  
Nicole, I hope you log on to the message board at the right of the blogs section.......there are some great posts there and women who talk about everything going on....just a thought!!!!!  Anyway, wanted to touch base and say Hey and will talk to you all later!!!!!!!  Love ya, Judy

Judy & Nicole,
Yes, the weather here has been wired too. Over the weekend it was 85 degrees and now it is going to be 37 degrees when I wake up and up north they got 2 inches of snow today. It sounds like Nicole likes birds, I only have a guinia pig, she has mites I shampoo her 3X a week and I can't get rid of them, my son says I should just have her put to sleep but I just keep trying to help her. I plan to get a puppy in the near future. I just haven't found one yet. Judy I can't wait to go to the conference in the spring it would be great to meet more people like us trying to make a difference. I've been really sick this past week the Doctor put me on starriods (which kinda effects me like meth) can't sleep and lots of energy. Sometime I just sit on my hands, ha ha
I have to go to bed now I stayed home sick today but had my group anyways. Need more rest, talk to you both later.
Kim

Kim,
 I hear ya about the Steroids, I get put on Prednisone at least three times a year when I get my respitory infections. Tryin to sleep on those suckers is nearly impossible. Anyways, I have decided I'm giving my niece two parakeets for her 3rd Birthday, her Mother thinks she will love them. So the ones I got last weekend will be going to a new home the begining of November.
  My car didn't want to start this morning. It was like 25 degrees at my house and I went out to warm up the car and it refused to start so I had to plug it in and wait for like an hour before it would start. I was WAY late for work, but up here the "My car wouldn't start" excuse works real good.:) Ecspecially in the winter time.
 Anyways, my bird Camdyn my Cockatiel is the love of my life...next to my son...and Mt. Dew. He is so cute, every morning he screams at me to get up and as soon as I get out and pull the blanket off his cage he whistles at me...you know the wolf whistle. I LOVE it. When I come home from work or on lunch he gives me tons of kisses. Never have I loved an animal more than I love my Camdyn.
  Well I guess I should get back to work, I hope all is well with you guys. Talk with you soon. Sending you Greetings and WARM wishes from Alaska. Nicole

Nicole,
Sorry to hear about your car it is that time of year again. That is nice of you to give the birds to you niece. I was thinking the other night that I never lived in Alaska but close Port Townsend Washington I loved it there, it rained but never snow but one winter I was there there was a ice storm and the ceiling ant work caved in and we didn't have power at home for 4 days. I also remember lots of fishing boats coming in a for a good time after being on the boats for months at a time, they were dirty and smelled. gotta go Kim

Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I have to tell someone so I'm gonna tell someone who will really appreciate it. Tomorrow is my 2 year mark!!!!! Clean for two years.

Hey Nicole, congrats you go girl, keep up the good work. I'm proud of you and you have every right to toot your own horn.

Melony

Thanks Melony, Hey Judy you alive out there? Haven't heard from you in awhile. Actually I could really use your words of wisdom right now. Last night my best friend who is in Arizona let me know that she has been using Meth for the past 2 monthes. I suspected it, but was in denial. She's using all the usual excuses. She lost here two girls, not cause of Meth but because her ex husband has convinced everyone that she is crazy and harmful to her children which I can testify that she was a GREAT MOM. Well when she lost her two girls and found herself homeless in a strange town she turned to Meth to escape from reality. I'm trying to help her but i don't think I am strong enough with my own recovery to help her overcome her own. Please someone out there help me to help her. She may be just a friend but she is more of a sister to me than my own sister. I won't give up on her.
  Another thing, my Grandpa passed away last week. He fell on Tuesday the 16th while on his morning walk and broke his neck in two places, they had him on life support until Thursday then they pulled the plug and he died. The thing that really bothers me is that my father knew and so did my one sister and I have talked to both of them many times since he fell and no one told me anything. I called my dad on Friday to ask him something and he goes by the way did you hear about Grandpa, he died. I was like WHAT. So I called down there to Utah to see what was going on and they filled me and also told me that they had contacted my dad at least 4 times since the accident and he didn't tell me. I am really upset about that, I mean he was my Grandpa to right? Everyone says "well maybe he didn't wanna upset you" it upset me more him not telling me than it would have if he had told me.


Nicole

Hey Nicole and everyone els!
First of all, congratulations Nicole on your two years!  I posted a message to you on the moms board that day and was trying to lure you over to the board!!!!  I see my little plans and schemes didn't work!  :)  Two years is a long time to go without getting high Nicole and I hope that you did something nice for yourself to celebrate your recovery!  
I have been just swamped at work and at home and so it has been hard to get on to the board lately.  I have been logging on and reading and then have to hurry up and get busy.......but I was keeping up on reading though!
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandpa Nicole and I am sad that you found out in such a harsh way.  I think that everyone deals with grief and other feelings in their own way and maybe your dad doesn't know of any other way to deal with this than just how he did.  Have you thought about just talking to him and letting him know how you felt and asking him how he felt about it?  Maybe he was afraid to freak you out.......maybe he was afraid that you would go back to using, or maybe he just really didn't think....it is hard to say without having that conversation with him.  My main concern for you is what are you doing for you right now since you found out?  I hope you are taking time to work through your feelings or being gentle with yourself at the very least.  
As for your friend, Nicole, you may be the only person that she knows that is clean and sober and while you certainly can't make her get clean, you can lead the way by your actions.  Just keep sharing with her what you did to get and stay clean and sober and how important it is to have support.  I am sure there is a lot of different support groups there in Arizona and i would highly suggest sending her to one to gain some help and support for her there.  You could also talk to her about getting into a treatment center so she can get the help she needs.  I had a lot of friends that kept using when i got clean and while it was hard to let them go I found out that I couldn't expose myself to being around someone who is loaded because one day it just might seem like a good idea to me again.  The good news is that when I let them go and worked on me......some of them got clean and sober and joined me in recovery and that was awesome.  You are far away from her and so are sort of protected from her active use so that is good, but just be cautious.  You don't have to give up on her, but I think it is going to be really important to send her on to get help from people who are trained to help her work through her stuff. If she has only been using for 2 months, she may not be ready to quit and she may not be ready to be honest about her life right now. But knowing that you are there for her and will support her in her recovery when she is ready will give her hope.  As I said, just take care of you during this process. No one could get me clean until I made the decision that life was too painful to keep on using and I think the same applies to people we care about.  You are still a bright light for her Nicole and when she is ready she will know that recovery is possible because you are blazing a trail for her right now and providing a light at the end of the tunnel.  
I hope you take care of you and that you take time to do something loving for yourself these days.  You deserve the very best.  I love and support you and am glad you are part of my life.  Talk to you soon, LOVE AND HUGS, JUDY!!!!!!

Judy,
 I still don't know what you mean by the mom's board, I've looked all over this sight and all I see is what I am on right now, posting this. I know it's on the right side of my screen and I've clicked on stuff and can't seem to find what you are talking about. I am sort of frusterated.
 As for my friend, she called me today and told me that she flushed all her Meth down the toilet and she's been crashing hard, she's pretty much slept for two days straight so I know that she is telling the truth. Whether she stays clean is up to her.
 My dad and I just don't talk, I don't wanna know why he didn't tell me about my grandpa, there's nothing that can change what happened so I am just gonna let it go. I hate confrontation and everytime I do confront someone in my family it's always turned around on me like I did something wrong for bringing up a touchy subject. So I have learned to live with my ears open but my mouth closed. Anyways, life is good, but hard, I'm tired and sometimes I wish I had that little burst of energy I used to get from Meth, but I walk through the steps of what i would have to put myself through just to get it, use it and get over the urge. It isn't worth it, nor can I afford it. But I still wish for it, I dreamt about it the other night and woke up feeling guilty as hell about it. I'm tired all the time, I have gained 100 lbs since I went off Meth so my whole body aches, I'm fatigued all day everyday. The simple solution would just to go back on Meth, I know I can't and I know I won't but it would be nice to be able to have the energy and lose all this excess weight. I guess you have gone through these feelings eh Judy?

Confusingly Frusterated in Alaska, Nicole

Hey Nicole,
  I'm sorry to hear about your Grandfather and the way you found out.But right now i'm kind of scared for you. You are doing some pretty hasrd thinking about the "good things" meth gave you. I know you said that you would never do it again, and I believe that, but thinking about those "good things" can , now mind you I'm not saying will , but can lead to a relapes. My sister has the same kind of problem this time of year also, she lives in Washington state and it's starting to get dark there early too, and she always says that she is tired also.I sorry I don't know what to say about the weight , I guess i'm one of those evil women that no matter how much I eat I can't gain weight. I 've been clean 14 months and i'm still not up to my ideal weight. BUt I can relate to the feeling tired all the time too, I live for the sun and warm weather and nnow it's getting cold and dark. My husaband says i'm like a snake.I tend to hibernate in the winter. Just hang in there and keep talking.

I'm glad you found your way to the other part of the site.

Love and Huggsssss From Georgia,
Melony

Hey Nicole and Melony and everyone else!  
Nicole, I loved what you said about living with your ears open and your mouth shut.  You are right about letting go of what your dad thinks or does....we have no control over that crap and so you are learning a healthy lesson.  All we can do is change us and that for me still takes a lot of work.  I still get times where I just wish everyone else would change so I would feel better.  Reality tells me though that the whole world can change but if I don't it just won't matter because I am the one with the problems and I would still find something else to complain about!  :)
I know what you mean about the weight thing and the tired and darkness.  I have went up and down on weight all my life and when I started doing meth I thought I had finally found the miracle cure for weight loss......but I had the same problems that many of us do.  Once I quit I not only gained my weight back that I lost but I also gained more.  So, once again I find that simple solutions just aren't that simple and the easy way to do things come with a price.  So, I pray for the willingness to do something about my eating patterns and for GOd to give me strength to do the work I need to do.  Some days are great and some are not.  However, I just have decided not to give up on me until my miracle happens with overeating just like it did with drugs and alcohol.  It is not so much what I am eating but what is eating me or what I am trying to find to comfort or help me stop feeling by overeating.  I know all this, it just takes time and we are all a work in progress...or like me....just a freaking peice of work!  :)
Melony, I have MISSED YOU SISTER!!!!!  It was so good to log on and hear your words of wisdom and your loving message to Nicole.  Nicole, I know you are struggling right now and we are here for you and are just going to love you through this rough time.  I have already seen you bounce back through other rough times and so I know you will do it again.  Sometimes the best that we can do is just not drink or use and then the solutions come or at least the rough times pass.  The only thing meth gave me was about 10 years of really hard lessons and a shitload of lies.  Meth and alcohol and other drugs all gave me a false sense of security and lied to me or helped me lie to myself.  I am grateful for the lessons and am grateful today for the truth.  If all we can say at the end of the day is that we just didn't get loaded.....then that is still a gift.  We get through hard times one day and sometimes one moment at a time....however, that is exactly how we live through good times too!  It is all about perspective and when I am living in a grateful place in my heart, then my life just seems to flow better.  We are loving you here Nicole and no matter how much you gain or lose or how much life seems to bite you in the butt or just seems to flow through with a ton of good things........we are here for you to love you and cheer you on.  
As for getting around on the message board......let's see.  Ok, go into search and put in moms off meth message board.  Then click on message board.  On the right side of your screen you should seen little lines with things like,  DHS, breakdown, um...other headings like that.  Click on one of those headings and it should take you to that post.  When you read that post you can either hit reply and reply to that message or go to the top left hand side and click on message board.  It will take you to the full page and on the right you will see the listing of posts.  On the left you should see a bunch of different catagories.  Just keep clicking through all that stuff and get oriented.  You will get the hang of it.  
Ok, so I had a little time before I hit the hay tonight and am glad I logged on here.  It is colder here the last few days and I come home tired and dragging and feeling kind of lazy so have been making myself get off my butt and go to some meetings.  That always helps me keep my life in perspective.  
I love you all.  Sending much love and big hugs from Iowa!   Judy