Moms Blog

Hi Mom of Six!
Thanks for the great post!  1st, I want to say that I facilitate a Moms Off Meth Support Group in Cedar Rapids so I'm kind of biased towards the whole "needing support" thing. But I'm not positng today to tell you that you need support to stay clean.  I just want to share with you how I use support in my life and how I encourage the women in the group to use support in thier lives. Personally I find it very very hard to ask for help and support.  I should be strong enough to do it on my own, right?  WRONG!  I know I need support, I just find it very hard to ask.  BUT, when I do finally ask, I feel so much relief and less stress.  I only have two kids, Bryce is 3 1/2 and Justin is 4 months, but I know that I would go out of my mind if I didn't have my husband and daycare provider to help me with them.  Right now, I'm having a hard time finding a babysitter for nights and weekends, so I don't every get to go out with just my husband.  I have people I can ask, I just can't bring myself to ask them.  I don't want to burden them.  So anyways, I guess what I'm trying to say is that even if I can do it by myself, why should I have to.  No one ever said we had to do this all by ourselves.  Why do we think we have to?  It is so much easier when you have help or someone there to just hold your hand or someone just to bitch to. ; )  

Another thing, I think that you getting on this message board and posting your thoughts is a good example of how having support in your life could help.  Maybe you start here.  Read the message boards and post questions and responses.  If your not ready to have face to face support, maybe this place can be enough for now.  Ok, I'm kindof rambling, but I hope I was clear enough for you to understand.  Support doesn't have to be a bad thing and it can come in a lot of different ways.  This message board is one kind of support.  I hope we "see" you here in the future.  

Good Luck with everything!

-Hailee  

Hi Hailee,

I'm not afraid to get help, I get help for my kids, funding for music & sports, food stamps, housing, medicaid, the food panty if it's a bad week for bills.  I've got Beth working with 3 different therapists.  What I object to is that the therapists that Beth works with tell me I'm going to fail because I have not gotten any support from people outside my immediate family.  They tell me it's impossible to stay clean without support.  But I got clean and have stayed clean for 2 years without support other than meds from my physician! I'm on lexapro for depression & wellbutrin to curb the impulse cravings when stress is going off the charts.  The temptations that used to be in my life...like the dealer living right across the street, and at my place of work, with my step-son & my husband... the fact that it was so easy to get made it impossible to quit before are not here now.  That's why I had to leave that town, everyone that I knew and start my life over somewhere else.  That was only possible because of the tax return & my mom.  People that I suspect or know to be users, I stay away from, I don't get to know them personally enough to ask them for anything.
I guess it's just that, what I have done on my own to get clean and stay clean has worked so far that it hurts to be told you're going to fail if you don't get outside support.  It hurts that they don't have the faith in me to stay strong and use my head.  I think that I have flipped my life upside down (in the right direction) and I feel great about what I have done  since getting clean that that should be enough to show "I'm not going back!"
So, you didn't answer my question, Can a person or do you know of people who have stayed off meth without getting support?

Thanks for responding Hailee, I hope to hear from you again sometime.

Hi Mom of Six,
Sorry I didn't answer your question.  I told you I was rambeling. : )  The short answer is that I don't like to say never or always.  So I'm not going to sit here and say that everone always need support to make it.  Or that you are not ever going to make it without support. I don't think that it is fair that other people are saying that to you.   But you did ask if I have ever seen someone make it without out-side support.  The short answer to that is, no.  I have seen women go a long time without out-side support but eventually they relapse.  The most succesfull people I know that have been in recovery for along time (5, 10 years or more) have surround themselves with support from famly, firends, AA, NA, MOMS, co-workers, this webpage, ect.  They continuely seek support to better themselves.  This is just my expereince and I am in no way saying this is what is right for you.  You need to make that decsion for yourself.

I commend you for making some really hard life decisions and doing such a great job at staying clean.  You seem to really be making the right decisions for you and your family.  Everyone's road to recovery looks different, and the road doesn't stay staight an narrow. What works now might not work later or vice versa.  You have to decide for yourself what works for you, but be open to what others have to say.  You might find it helpful, if not now, then down the road.  
Hope to hear from you again.  Good Luck!
-Hailee

Good Morning mom of six and Hailee.  I read both your posts the other day and have been thinking about what you said but just wasn't sure of how to respond because I have pretty strong feelings about support in my life and the lives of other women and men I know who are getting and staying clean and sober.  So, in order to write you an honest post without trying to force my opinions and values on you.......I had to wait! :)  
I am really glad you posted your story and your thoughts here with us and am happy for you that you are staying clean and doing so much for your family and yourself.  Getting and staying clean is hard for anyone and so congratulations on your recovery.
The more I thought about it though the more I realized is that there are people out there who got clean without using the conventional means of support........I just didn't think about them at the time I read your post because I really don't see them where I go and with people I hang out with.  So that doesn't mean that there aren't other people out there like you.......it just means that I won't meet them anywhere I go because the places and people I hang out with are all in recovery and we use each other for support.  
I have learned a lot in the last 12 years of my recovery (ok, will have 12 years of continuous recovery on 9/22/07 anyway) and when I first got clean and sober it was through a 12 step program.  For many years I was really rigid about believing that the only true way to get and stay clean and sober was to work the 12 steps and attend  meetings.  HOWEVER, life kept putting people and lessons in my path and I have grown beyond that belief.  The women who attend the Moms Off Meth groups all over and the people who have been put in my path over the years have all taught me that there are numerous ways to get and stay clean and sober, not just a 12 step program.  
The more I think about your question the more I realize there are actually people in my life who until you asked I really didn't think about how they are staying clean and sober.  My brother and his wife are two people that come to mind while I am typing this post.  My brother used drugs, drank and lived a life of heavy use for many years.  However, he and his wife were dying to have a baby and once they realized she was pregnant they just quit using and drinking and my brother even quit smoking nicotine.  This has been over 20 years since they quit and they are still clean and sober and they never went to treatment, never have attended a 12-step meeting.......or hung out with people in recovery.  They just decided to quit based on the circumstances of their life.  So, there is one example for you.  My brother is a very nice guy, has a good life and is living clean and sober and so is his wife.  
In my own personal experience the benefits of recovery for me has been the support, love and friendship I have found.  I lived my active using years in hopelessness and isolation even though I had using friends.  So, when I got clean and sober I started hanging out with new people in recovery and the life I have now is a direct result of living and learning from people who have multiple years of being clean and sober and who love and enjoy their lives and share their recovery with those in need.  They taught me to love and give back to the new people in recovery as one way of giving back all I have been given.  I find it really helps me when the hard times hit in my life and I get overwhelmed by the circumstances life brings.  I call people in recovery and stay in touch with people I love and admire because we have built deep and lasting relationships based on honesty, love and service.  They are more than just friends these days...and my life would be barren without all of them.  However, that is my experience and I don't believe it would be fair if I tried to inflict my values and my experiences on anyone else.  If you are happy, and like the way your life is now, then that is wonderful and I am happy for you.  I do know that it is ok to believe in yourself and your recovery and remember that you don't have to have everyone's approval for the way you live your life.  There are many paths to getting and staying clean and sober and not everyone has to walk the same path.  
However, I do hope you log on and get to know the other incredible women on the message board as Hailee suggested.  They have all been through many roads to getting and staying clean and sober and have all taught me some powerful lessons on this topic.  I get on the message board because I have built strong bonds with the other women who post even though some of them I have never met yet.  So, many times I log on not for support, but because I care about them and want to see how they are and what is going on in their lives.  We are all here and ready to share our lives and our friendships with you too if you decide to join us.  Maybe just think of this as building friendships, not gathering support.  Having strong and caring women in my life has been crucial to the way my life is today and I wouldn't live any other way.  Again, not saying that everyone has to feel this way, just sharing that I hope you join us.  I enjoy meeting new people and love hearing different perspectives and so thank you for sharing here.  I hope to hear from you again.  Take care, Judy

Thanks for responding to my posts, I'm sorry you haven't heard from me for a while, I locked my self out and forgot my password.  I swear I have a billion passwords, and at work I have to change them every 4 weeks or so, and of course they don't all change at the same time!

I told my daughters therapist that she made me rather angry with her by telling me I can't succeed without help.  I guess she really got under my skin with that.  I'm much calmer about that now, but would really like to get to know you and others here on this site.  I've cut myself off so much from the using world that I can't tell those around me (like my co workers) about my past.  Like others of you here, it wasn't a pretty past.

I'm sorry, I must go now, the kids need me.  I'll log on again soon. Lisa

Hello mom of six....
      First-off you are getting support....you're here! LOL I think you and I have alot of things in common...I didn't just quit on my own though, not this time anyways...I wasn't strong enough to do that...I went through lots of treatment, a live-in facility...all together, about a years worth, then aftercare, meetings, counseling with my kids, even after my felony drug charge...wonderful attorneys gave me a chance, hired me, and became an awesome support for me....I'm 41, by the way, and used since I was 15, started out pot, moved to bigger badder things, I lost my oldest 2 boys in 1989-90, because of my addiction to crack...(long story...I'll have to get into that at a later time) but I met my hubby, moved out of town, got clean by myself....got pregnant, had 3 more kids with my hubby(the 29th of Sept. will be 17 years) I stayed clean for like 8 years without any support really, but it wasn't the same like it is this time....we both(my hubby & I) started using meth together...we used for like 9 years...by the end of that...I was dealing to pay for our habits...I got busted on Oct.31st, 2003...today I can honestly say Yayyyyy...I got a 2nd chance to live again...I had a 20 year suspended sentence, since I'd never been in major trouble before...thank-goodness...after treatment and all that, helped to get 1st M.O.M. group started in Des Moines, Iowa...but moved home(about 25 miles SE of Des Moines...in the country) and due to my license being suspended, haven't had my face-to-face support in the last year , year and a half....but I have been getting lots of support on the internet , through my groups on cafemom, and myspace, and now that I found this group the other day...plan to be here quite a bit...LOL   This has really became my passion...working to get your kids back, and staying clean! My hubby got clean with me...I was very lucky, although he was a little slowerer about it than I was....he used once and went to bootcamp for 6 months,at the beginning, his rights were terminated(we had a strange case....we are still married, living together, happy, clean, with our 3 kids) LOL   I hope things work out for you, but I think if you have some sort of support, it is easier on you, not necessarily face to face support, but someplace like this where you can come and talk, vent, ask question....I'm glad to be here....LOL   ttyl

                                                                             HUGS,
                                                                                    Michelle

DEAR MOM OF SIX-
IM ALOT LIKE YOU IN WAYS. I HAD TO DO IT ALL BY MYSELF I HAD NO SUPPORT SYSTEM, NONE THAT MATTERED. LIKE I SAID TO SOMEONE ELSE I HAD TO PUT ALL I HAD IN GODS HANDS AND LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OF THAT. I HAVE LOTS OF ISSUES I WISH HED TAKE FROM ME,BUT AS LONG AS IM NOT OUT THERE SHOOTIN METH AND DOIN WHAT I WAS DOIN BEFORE I KNOW GOD HAS IT UNDER CONTROL. FOR OVER A YEAR I HAD TO SLEEP WITH A BIBLE ON MY CHEST JUST TO FEEL SAFE AND LOVED. THE MAN UPSTAIRS WILL GIVE YOU ALL THE SUPPORT YOU NEED. WELL FOR ME ANYWAYS. I HAD TO MOVE AND START OVER AGAIN ITS LONLEY WITHOUT FRIENDS BUT WITH THE FRIENDS I HAD IM BETTER OFF AS IM SURE YOU ARE. FAMILIES WILL BE LIKE THAT. MY FAMILY IS HORRIBLE ABOUT THINGS THEY DONT LET SLEEPIN DOGS LAY WHEN THEY SHOULD, I JUST THINK THEY DONT FULLY UNDERSTAND WHATS ITS LIKE TO BE LIKE ALL OF US ON HERE, I TELL THEM TO TAKE A WALK IN MY SHOES FOR A DAY, I DONT THINK THEYLL EVER COMPREHEND WHAT WE GO THROUGH EACH AND EVERYDAY. WHEN THEY START PUSHIN BLAME I SING A SONG IN MY HEAD AND THEY DONT RELIZE IM NOT LISTNING TO THEM ANYMORE. PLEASE DONT LET THEM PUSH ALL THE BLAME ON YOU, THATS THE WORST THING FOR RECOVERY.YOU SAID YOUVE BEEN CLEAN FOR AWHILE SO REMIND THEM OF THAT AND TELL THEM TO MOVE ON TO TODAY. WE CANT CHANGE YESTERDAY OR LAST YEAR ALL WE CAN DO IS LIVE FOR THE DAY WERE IN. DONT LET THEM TEAR YOU DOWN HUN. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND JUST REMEMBER TIME IS ON YOUR SIDE.   KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND SMILE

Hey everyone,
What a beautiful exchange we have all shared on here.  I love EVERYTHING that everyone shared and my heart is full today of hope and love and joy.  I love you all and am so grateful that I have each of you sharing this journey with me.  No one ever told me it would be easy but they did tell me there was hope and there was help out there.  Peanut, I love your share on how you have survived the pain you have been going through and how you have a song in your head when your family gives you negative vibes.  What a great tool.  I know that my family and lots of people who have never been chained to a drug or drink can't understand how I put myself and everyone I loved through the hell I did for so many years.  But I have learned and been taught that I don't have to expect them to understand but I am responsible to find other people who do understand and who will love and support me in my recovery.  I have had lots of heros in my life and you are all included in that list.  Recovery is possible and there is always hope.  I was told that when one door closes another one opens but it is hell in the hallways waiting for that other door to open.  My recovery has been rich in experiences and rich in support but I would be lying to all of you if i said it was a cake walk.  It has been painful and I have had to keep putting in effort to make sure I stay sober but the end result has been worth it.  I get to stay clean and I get to have a life today and I also don't forget where I come from and have learned to honor my past even though it was painful and caused a lot of harm to my children, family and my community.  I am no longer just existing today and am living my life with meaning and trying my best to continue to undo the harm that I caused by doing the next right thing in front of me........even when no one is looking.  I LOVE YOU ALL.  I am honored that we are on this path together.  Judy